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the sultan. by *nighttimebeautiful:iconnighttimebeautiful:

Categories Literature > Poetry > Romantic > Other Romance > Open


The sultan of his own tango,
he sings to the night in a
perfect state of euphoria.
When at first he lays
into the sand, and his
eyes tied to the precious
jolt of serene in her eyes
he can believe in his
own dismay.
He gave to her all the
world has to offer,
and yet the sky
still swept her away.
Still, goes on the
fever of need, for
both the lover and the
dead. Built on an empire
of morning kisses and
a nighttime touch. Yet
somehow he has fallen,
a dance broken and a
cry of song for the
night who listens.
He remains the sultan
of his own tango, yet
they remain the sultans
of the sky, the one who
took midnight love with
her, the one who stole
a heart from a soul.
©2009 *nighttimebeautiful
:iconnighttimebeautiful:

Author's Comments

you are my life now

Critiques


:iconschematree:
=SchemaTree Apr 19, 2009, 9:53:38 AM
Your poems are usually like a story,
And I think you would benefit more in these story poems by establishing the character's personality, and characteristic traits more thouroughly.
I think it would help the reader make a better connection to the poem.
Because right now they're a little disconected, if you get what I mean.

I love the lines "Still, goes on the
fever of need, for
both the lover and the
dead. Built on an empire
of morning kisses and
a nighttime touch. "

I do like it very much, and I think it's worth working on further!

Love,
Carly
The Artist thought this was FAIR
2 out of 2 deviants thought this was fair.
1 Replies

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:iconalapip:
*alapip Apr 19, 2009, 9:57:29 AM
my critique, Sara - "perfect!"

of course, i might have to admit
to a bit of subjectivity here.

your choice of word combinations,
the imagery in those choices,
a gentle warning to the heart.

to be remembered

:heart:pip

--
the worth of beauty is in the heart
of the observer, tallied by the
intensity of the tendency to weep.
[as in - "you are so beautiful to me"]
llp - nov'09
:iconnighttimebeautiful:
*nighttimebeautiful Apr 19, 2009, 10:31:36 AM
oh pip,

thank you!
a heart must
always be warned,
yet it mustn't always
be held back.

sara.

--
i am, i am, iam.
:iconalapip:
*alapip Apr 19, 2009, 11:22:33 AM
you might term it "cautious release"
or "pragmatic romance"
it feels more like "delirious abandon"

hol not lol

pip

--
the worth of beauty is in the heart
of the observer, tallied by the
intensity of the tendency to weep.
[as in - "you are so beautiful to me"]
llp - nov'09
:iconcyranosdemet:
*cyranosdemet Apr 20, 2009, 2:38:15 PM
interesting... I'll go with Schema's thought, to perhaps a bit lesser a degree... perhaps a bit more descriptive of the character, some touch or illusion of their outer lives, to both give an easier visual on them in the story, and to perhaps contrast their inner lives. "Sultan of his own tango" is a great line though, I do like that.

--
Stay sane... starve a shrink
:iconnighttimebeautiful:
*nighttimebeautiful Apr 20, 2009, 6:59:25 PM
yes, i do agree with both of you,
i do have to work on it quite
some bit. i didnt really realize
how vague it was until it was brought
to my attention. thank you.

--
i am, i am, iam.
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