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(you can't tell the birds and the snow apart in the sky:
the grand church of dizzying space - )

and the trees are yellowed in cowardice, raking the sky
to the ground and around and around.

listen to your organs: the almost grand piano of the
churches i'd never attend.

and never mistake the courage of the sky for the cowardice
of the ground. never frown, never frown.

listen to your palms: the salty swing of the old snow
burning up on silk and splendor.

and visit the dying snow birds in their graves of the
ground, and they drown and drown.

(you can't tell the birds and the snow apart in the sky:
a grand church of dizzying space will reply. why. why.
would my white birds die.)
my apologizes for the absence. and poetry at random intervals.
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Daily Deviation

Given 2012-03-07
l'hiver. by *nighttimebeautiful ( Suggested by Avallynh and Featured by wreckling )
:iconleoraigarath:
This is the kind of poems that makes my skin crawl. Beautifully written! Amazing usage of imagery -

"listen to your organs: the almost grand piano of the
churches i'd never attend."


I think that this is one of my most favorite lines in the poem. Really well done in that! New, daring imagery is what the world of poetry always lacks.

On the other hand, I felt that there were places that things didn't go as smooth as I expected them to be. Places like:

"and never mistake the courage of the sky for the cowardice
of the ground. never frown, never frown."


Which for some reason, the repetition in the second line, although working as a rhyme, does not seem to contribute to the reading and the experience of the reading. I mean, it felt as if it was there to fill a hole which a better solution wasn't found for yet, although this is not a good enough solution. I wondered what does the repetition serves, and I came up empty.

All in all the poem is really splendid, but I think that there are some places that still could be edited and worked on to sharpen the edges. Still, well done!
What do you think?
The Artist thought this was FAIR
25 out of 26 deviants thought this was fair.

The Artist has requested Critique on this Artwork

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:iconforpoetry:
ForPoetry Featured By Owner Jul 14, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
You have been featured in a blog post [link]
Reply
:iconnighttimebeautiful:
nighttimebeautiful Featured By Owner Jul 15, 2013   Writer
thank you!!
Reply
:iconexistencewesummonyou:
ExistenceWeSummonYou Featured By Owner Jan 6, 2013
A poem! I've found found poem.

This could be taken as a bleak reply to a certain piece by Dickinson:

"Water, is taught by thirst.
Land — by the Oceans passed.
Transport — by throe —
Peace — by its battles told —
Love, by Memorial Mold —
Birds, by the Snow."

Anyway. It's good stuff.
Reply
:iconnighttimebeautiful:
nighttimebeautiful Featured By Owner Jan 6, 2013   Writer
oh, yes, it could be :)
thank you! :heart:
Reply
:icondailylitdeviations:
DailyLitDeviations Featured By Owner Jan 6, 2013
Your wonderful literary work has been chosen to be featured by =DailyLitDeviations in a news article that can be found here: [link] Congratulations on your DD!

Be sure to check out the other artists featured and show your support by :+fav:ing the News Article. Keep writing and keep creating.
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:iconnighttimebeautiful:
nighttimebeautiful Featured By Owner Jan 6, 2013   Writer
thank you :heart:
Reply
:iconladyofgaerdon:
LadyofGaerdon Featured By Owner Dec 12, 2012  Professional Writer
:wave: Hi! Your piece has been featured as inspiration in #Lit-Visual-Alliance's Winter Alliance Contest article! Please :+fav: the article to bring more attention to the features and the contest. Thanks! :)
Reply
:iconinthestarrynightsky:
InTheStarryNightSky Featured By Owner Mar 7, 2012
A beautiful piece. Wonderful job.
Reply
:iconnighttimebeautiful:
nighttimebeautiful Featured By Owner Mar 12, 2012   Writer
thank you :) :heart:
Reply
:iconinthestarrynightsky:
InTheStarryNightSky Featured By Owner Mar 12, 2012
You're welcome. :aww:
Reply
:iconshay-sama:
Shay-Sama Featured By Owner Mar 7, 2012  Student General Artist
This is just an excellent poem. I haven't read one I liked so much in a while. I'm a poet as well and I really enjoy this type of poem, much better than most of the poetry books I've tried to read.
Reply
:iconnighttimebeautiful:
nighttimebeautiful Featured By Owner Mar 12, 2012   Writer
oh thank you thank you :heart:
Reply
:iconskygazing:
skygazing Featured By Owner Mar 7, 2012
<3 very nice poem~!
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:iconnighttimebeautiful:
nighttimebeautiful Featured By Owner Mar 12, 2012   Writer
:) :heart:
Reply
:iconellajoan:
EllaJoan Featured By Owner Mar 7, 2012
the winter. appropriate title, and a worthy DD.
Reply
:iconnighttimebeautiful:
nighttimebeautiful Featured By Owner Mar 12, 2012   Writer
im glad you think so, thank you :heart:
Reply
:icondelicatesilver:
Delicatesilver Featured By Owner Mar 7, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
From the first two lines I knew the poem would be amazing.
Reply
:iconnighttimebeautiful:
nighttimebeautiful Featured By Owner Mar 12, 2012   Writer
oh dear you are lovely, thank you :heart:
Reply
:iconhalcyonshores:
halcyonshores Featured By Owner Mar 7, 2012  Hobbyist General Artist
Incredibly beautiful, tender, dreamy and yet, aware. Like fresh snow that is truly pure.
Sincerest congrats on the DD.
Reply
:iconnighttimebeautiful:
nighttimebeautiful Featured By Owner Mar 12, 2012   Writer
im glad you know of the winter i speak of,
thank you very much :heart:
Reply
:iconhalcyonshores:
halcyonshores Featured By Owner Mar 21, 2012  Hobbyist General Artist
You are truly welcome. :heart:
Reply
:iconmarya123:
marya123 Featured By Owner Mar 7, 2012
i like this :)
Reply
:iconnighttimebeautiful:
nighttimebeautiful Featured By Owner Mar 12, 2012   Writer
oh thank you :)
Reply
:icontraficjam:
TraficJam Featured By Owner Mar 7, 2012  Hobbyist Traditional Artist
Congrats on the DD :)
Reply
:iconnighttimebeautiful:
nighttimebeautiful Featured By Owner Mar 12, 2012   Writer
thank you love :heart:
Reply
:iconfaraphoenixplz:
FaraPhoenixPLZ Featured By Owner Mar 7, 2012
It makes no sense to me, but I believe it takes some instead - namely, the sense of balance. I can not seem to be able to sit upright anymore.
Reply
:iconnighttimebeautiful:
nighttimebeautiful Featured By Owner Mar 12, 2012   Writer
as long as, in some little way,
it is able to reach you somewhere,
then i am happier than i will
ever be :heart:
Reply
:iconafricanimages:
africanimages Featured By Owner Mar 7, 2012
What a lovely poem - you are so talented!
Reply
:iconnighttimebeautiful:
nighttimebeautiful Featured By Owner Mar 12, 2012   Writer
thank you, dear :heart:
Reply
:icontrynke:
trynke Featured By Owner Mar 7, 2012  Student General Artist
Congratulations on the DD! Well deserved!
Reply
:iconnighttimebeautiful:
nighttimebeautiful Featured By Owner Mar 12, 2012   Writer
thank you :) :heart:
Reply
:iconsakowfniapqf:
sakowfniapqf Featured By Owner Mar 7, 2012  Hobbyist General Artist
Normally I don't comment on DDs- it's all been said. I'll just add them to my Favorites if they're worth it and be done with the process. However, this reminded me of a dream I had not too long ago- or was it years? Maybe I'm still dreaming. I don't mind, though, because the soft, regretful snow was beautiful, and so is this. You've made my day, thanks.
Reply
:iconnighttimebeautiful:
nighttimebeautiful Featured By Owner Mar 12, 2012   Writer
most of the time, the dreaming
doesn't stop, it just gets
stronger and weaker until
you just get used to it.
and you've made mine, thank you.
Reply
:iconsakowfniapqf:
sakowfniapqf Featured By Owner Mar 14, 2012  Hobbyist General Artist
Is that so? Maybe I'll live yet.

Not at all, by the way. It would have been lying for me to have say anything else. But I'm glad to hear that I've made your day as well.
Reply
:icontamiiland:
tamiiland Featured By Owner Mar 7, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
Absolutely beautiful. You wrote something really amazing. (:
Reply
:iconnighttimebeautiful:
nighttimebeautiful Featured By Owner Mar 12, 2012   Writer
oh, thank you so very much :heart:
Reply
:iconfyviane:
Fyviane Featured By Owner Mar 7, 2012   General Artist
i like it :) really deep :)
Reply
:iconnighttimebeautiful:
nighttimebeautiful Featured By Owner Mar 12, 2012   Writer
thanks :)
Reply
:iconchaotic-oasis:
Chaotic-Oasis Featured By Owner Mar 7, 2012  Hobbyist General Artist
Congrats on the DD! It was well deserved!!

--
"Creativity is allowing yourself to make mistakes. Art is knowing which ones to keep."

:bulletblue::bulletyellow::bulletpink::bulletpurple::bulletred::bulletblack: You Could Win 50 Points Just For Joining Us!! :bulletblack::bulletred::bulletpurple::bulletpink::bulletyellow::bulletblue:

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:iconnighttimebeautiful:
nighttimebeautiful Featured By Owner Mar 12, 2012   Writer
thank you :heart:
Reply
:iconchaotic-oasis:
Chaotic-Oasis Featured By Owner Mar 12, 2012  Hobbyist General Artist
You are very welcome. :XD:

--
"Creativity is allowing yourself to make mistakes. Art is knowing which ones to keep."

:bulletblue::bulletyellow::bulletpink::bulletpurple::bulletred::bulletblack: You Could Win 50 Points Just For Joining Us!! :bulletblack::bulletred::bulletpurple::bulletpink::bulletyellow::bulletblue:

:bulletblue:The Marvel Universe (It's MARVELous) :bulletyellow:"Art By Aussies" (Art Community) :bulletred:Dark Horizons (Marvel RPG) :bulletpink:My Goodies :bulletpurple:My Freebies :bulletblack:My Facebook
Reply
:iconvigilo:
Vigilo Featured By Owner Mar 7, 2012  Student Writer
The rhyme and musicality of this is wonderful, as is, of course, the imagery. Beautifully done, congratulations on the much-deserved DD! :heart:
Reply
:iconnighttimebeautiful:
nighttimebeautiful Featured By Owner Mar 12, 2012   Writer
oh my you are lovely, thank you :) :heart:
Reply
:iconbrassteeth:
brassteeth Featured By Owner Mar 7, 2012
Congrats, fine work.
Reply
:iconnighttimebeautiful:
nighttimebeautiful Featured By Owner Mar 12, 2012   Writer
thank you :)
Reply
:iconladyofgaerdon:
LadyofGaerdon Featured By Owner Mar 7, 2012  Professional Writer
The rhythm and rhyme in this is just...spellbinding. Truly. I am enthralled.
Reply
:iconnighttimebeautiful:
nighttimebeautiful Featured By Owner Mar 12, 2012   Writer
thank you, love :heart: :)
Reply
:iconsaintaspie:
saintaspie Featured By Owner Mar 7, 2012  Student General Artist
Profound use of imagery.
Reply
:iconnighttimebeautiful:
nighttimebeautiful Featured By Owner Mar 12, 2012   Writer
oh my, thank you :)
Reply
:iconkartiksharma:
kartiksharma Featured By Owner Mar 7, 2012  Student General Artist
Amazing ♥
Reply
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